Part one: Road to Nationals

Part one: Road to Nationals 

Inside scoop of a trainers struggle; we are human too

Some of you reading this know my story well. Others may have bits and pieces from my posts or from "knowing" me in the gym. 

Many of you know I took a very big step in my training and nutrition beginning in February. I took it upon myself to start a strict nutrition plan against my failures in the past and a pretty regimented powerlifting focused training program with the hopes of competing again. I choose a new challenge, to compete in the United States powerlifting association (USAPL). 

The USAPL is also known as Americas choice  for a drug free strength sport. They have very high standards as governed by the International Powerlifting Federation (IPF). Three years ago at my first Arnold sports fair I jokingly turned to my best friend and said "one day I'll be on that stage". Indicating a desire to lift amongst the best in the world. At this point this what was I knew as the highest achievement  in a powerlifters career. (I know more now, and this will come up in future parts to this story) 

Back to February, after deciding to take this step, I followed my nutrition and I learned to love the sport all over again. This was the first time I had a healthy and happy relationship with macronutrient tracking and was "happy" with my scale weight. 

In the past I was never able to get the scale weight to move no matter what I did I sat happily in my weight "post" anorexia/ attempted orthorexia and exercise disorder. This was largely due to a fear of relapsing and letting down many loved ones. What I was doing was not for me at this point. I had not yet decided I needed to be healthy for myself. As you can imagine this was a very unhealthy mindset and very challenging somewhat secret life. 

My progress in February was different. This time the scale moved. I was happy with the scale moving and it certainly kept me motivated. Though I secluded myself from much of the world and people who were important to me just to hide that I was trying to lose weight. I feared that the people who knew me best would not approve of my attempt to lose weight; so even understanding that it was wrong to hide or seclude myself from people caring enough to stop me I did it anyway. This caused me a lot of pain in my social life and relationships, but hey I lost weight so it was "worth" it. 

After leaving the Arnold this year I decided it was time for me to step up my training. I had been training hard, but with new motivation I decided it was time to hire a coach. It was my belief all along that no one should program for themselves and that even the best coaches and athletes had coaches. This was a way for me to separate my work from my lifting, a way to make my lifting not seem so similar to or in fact work. I had only held off by telling myself it was an unnecessary cost. The reality was, I was afraid. It wasn't cost it was a fear of being consumed or over taken by nutrition and exercise. A fear that I wouldn't have the support to make this happen. The fear that people in my life would not approve, or would not like what may look like a direct route into my previous bad habits, or using tracking macros or a program as a cover up for disordered ways. 

I knew I needed to find the best coach. I wasn't going to throw money at an "online, I know everything because I have good genetics and did one show coach" I narrowed my search down to two teams I knew much about and I decided to go with Reactive Training Systems for many reasons. 

This then led me into a fear of recreating my exercise disorder but I felt reassured that because with a precisely laid program was in place I couldn't get carried away. I was fearful that if I put money towards something or involved others in my lifting I would create a new pressure for myself. I quickly promised myself that wouldn't be an issue as I was addressing it before it could be a problem. I also needed to work on learning that there is no sense worrying about something that didn't even or may never happen. (Something I still need to be reminded of sometimes) 

So I set up my meeting and my new training regimen began with my nutrition plan out the window. I used the excuse that my coach didn't want me to be "cutting" but rather maintaining to go back to my old ways, fix my relationships and social life and live a "normal" life with food and friends. I quickly became unhappy with my body because I knew the scale was creeping right back up but I let it go knowing my lifting was on point and told myself it was helping me because stronger than I've ever been before. 

This was not enjoyable however. Feeling disgusted in my own skin even if I had close to no reasoning for it was hard mentally for all parts of my day other than while I was working out. Those few hours reminded me that my body as is is doing amazing things and achieving on an entirely new level.  

I then worked intently on getting in more protein. This helped me tremendously. Taking time to just focus on one important nutrient didn't solve my body issues but it was a mild step in the right direction. This allowed me to reduce the stress of completely tracking but the control my mind needed to calm the overwhelming negativity about my body or my "food failures". 

There were many thoughts and mental barriers holding me back from a pipe dream I had dreamt for three years. Breaking these down was my first step on a long road to turning this dream into a reality. I didn't think I had it in me but I did and now I'm on to keeping them down laying them to rest. It is a long road. It will be a fight but one step at a time I have been able to defeat each issue little by little. We all have underlying things that we fear or let hold us back. So I leave you with this, FIGHT BACK, let nothing hold you back from a dream or goal. This is your life and you are in control. I won't tell you it will be easy. Big or small everyone's fight is worth it even if it takes years. Set small goals each day is an achievement and take the time to be proud of yourself for every single one, because you are amazing! 


Lauren Ciurzynski